Wellness Blog

Couples/Marriage, Family, Mental Health Counselor Wilmington NC, Relationships, Therapy

3 Toxic Myths about Marriage

By Kayla Coughlan | April 28, 2020

by | Apr 28, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Family, Mental Health Counselor Wilmington NC, Relationships, Therapy | 0 comments

marriage therapy
Today, we’ll cover the 3 toxic myths about marriage that all beginners MUST break away from in order to achieve a healthy long term relationship.

Getting your mindset right is the #1 thing you have to conquer if you want to succeed in marriage. As the popular saying goes, “You are your worst enemy and best asset” 😉

From mentoring many 1:1 private clients from all walks of life, I can tell you that the best and most successful clients are those with the right mindset and attitude, who aren’t plagued by incorrect beliefs about what a “healthy” marriage should look like.

It’s myth-busters time, my friend! Time to align your mindset and make things right 🙂

Myth #1: “Love should be easy.” 

Long-term monogamous relationships were created for wealth and economic status NOT love.
Think about “tribe” mentality where the daughter is sold off to a different village. This was done because parents could only feed so many mouths and the best way to ensure the daughter’s wellbeing was to sell her off to be taken care by a man ready to start having his own children.
“Wives” were to take care of children and uphold the household. Now, women have their own careers. Balancing child rearing, household management, and careers are responsibilities both partners have to uphold.
We expect more from long term relationships in our time than EVER before in history. Our partners are supposed to be our: coparent, lover, best friend, confidant, team member, and co-house manager. That’s a lot of pressure and it’s NEVER easy.
Your relationship being challenging is not a sign that your partner is “bad for you” or “the wrong fit.” It’s a sign that you’re human. Congratulations! You’re just like the rest of us.

Myth #2: “You need to be together… all the time.”

This is SO not true. When people become so close to another human being that they lose sight of their independence and identity, arguments ensue.
Each partner having their own friendships, hobbies, alone time, and personality is HEALTHY. I’m not saying to stop attending to the needs of your connection. There should be a healthy balance of independence and togetherness.

Myth #3: “Our marriage should be 50/50” 

Wrong! I have seen time and again that people have a mental score card about which partner has done more than the other. This idea of EQUALITY really messes with our heads.

There are going to be natural fluctuations in our lives. Sometimes I have a hard time. My career gets stressful. My body image changes with age. My relationships evolve. Sometimes I feel strong and steady. I have balance in my home/work life. I have had some achievements. I find a good rhythm with my daily routine.

I don’t need the pressure of giving as much as my partner is ALL THE TIME. I need to know I have someone who’s got my back whether I’m up or down. There are times when my partner gives more than I do and that’s okay. There are times when he is struggling and I give him some extra energy and support. This is the way humans operate.

Why is believing in these 3 myths problematic?

Because believing in these 3 myths will cripple you from taking action the right action. Your confidence gets affected, you don’t seek guidance, and subsequently, you don’t transform your relationship as a result.

As someone who does therapy for a living, I have seen breakthrough after breakthrough and I know that it is not difficult, people just don’t have the right guidance to succeed when it comes to marriage.

They search for stuff online fruitlessly, and when that doesn’t work, they give up. Then, they blame it on themselves, thinking they are not good or smart enough.

No! How else will there be millions of happy marriages if it was so hard? So they are all geniuses? No… they did it with the right strategies and through pure hard work.
It’s about learning the right strategies and putting in the work. So take heart. You can do this! Don’t for a second doubt yourself.

About the Author:

Kayla Reilly MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist and founder of Evolution Wellness, a counseling center in Wilmington, NC. She specializes in relationships and helps people be better in every relationship role they have. When she’s not busy helping people conquer their mental health and relationship wellbeing, you can find her snuggling her dogs, reading, or playing a mean game of poker. 

Our marriage and couples therapists specialize in working with couples to heal damaged relationships, improve communication skills, work through fear of intimacy, and regain their emotional connection. Our counselors want to help you move forward and evolve together. Contact our team today!